Cancer
by chinocoop81
Summary: This is a RM story based on the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance...rr and enjoy


He watched her sleeping, the rising and falling of her chest. Her eyelids fluttered every once in a while, letting him know she was dreaming. He moved his hand, and ran it over her face softly, savoring the smoothness of it. He moved it to her hair, and slowly twisted a strand around his finger, savoring the feel of it, knowing it wouldn't be there much longer.

He saw her start to stir, and he removed his hand. He didn't mean to wake her, she needed her sleep. She slowly opened her eyes, her blue irises staring back at him. She gave him a sleepy smile and he smiled back at her. "What are you doing up?" She asked him softly, grabbing hold of his hand.

He just stared at her, not able to speak. "I couldn't sleep." He looked away and continued, "I kept thinking about tomorrow…." He trailed off and looked at her with watery eyes. "This could be our last night like this you know?"

He looked away from her and stared at the wall. She moved her hand to the side of his face though and gently turned it in her direction. She leaned in and kissed him long and tenderly. He loved this, the sweetness of their kisses together, but he couldn't help but wonder if this was the last night things would be this way.

She pulled back and put her other hand on his other cheek. "Don't think about it." she whispered. She leaned in and kissed him once more, quicker this time. "I'll be okay….we'll be okay."

He looked deep into her eyes and saw the sureness there. He ran his hand along her face and said, "How can you be so sure?" He swallowed hard, "I mean you never know with Cancer, especially in the brain."

"Shhh." She said, putting her finger on his lips. "Even if something happens…" she must have seen the fear in his eyes because she said quickly, "which it won't, we still have this time together….and we need to make the best of it."

"I know, it's just…." He was interrupted by her lips crashing into his though. He slowly moved his hands to her hair, running his fingers through it, deepening the kiss. He slipped his tongue into her mouth, and massaged hers with his own. She moaned into the kiss, and he moved his hands to her hips.

He moved his hands under her oversized night shirt. He moved his lips down her neck, to her collar bone. He moved them back up to her neck, and started sucking it softly, causing her to moan. She ran her hands through his hair and he sucked harder. He felt his thoughts of the next day slowly fade away as they peeled off each other's clothes and made passionate love into the night. Like Marissa had said, they still had this time together……

**3 months later**

Marissa Cooper lay in a hospital bed, weak and pale. She wore a baseball cap to cover her bald head, and a hospital gown that made her look small and tiny. She was cold and clammy, and had been throwing up and been sick for the past three months. She thought back to the night before her chemo started, and wished she could be back in Ryan's arms….but she knew she couldn't.

She turned to see him at the side of her bed in the chair, asleep. His was softly snoring, and she could tell he was taking her treatment hard. He was always at her side, except for the few times that he went to get their son, Ben, to come and visit her. She always loved the visits, it made her feel like she would come out of this hospital again, and not just fade into nothing.

She'd lost a lot of weight since starting the treatment, and she knew she was bound to lose more. Ryan constantly worried about her, and she saw the fear in his eyes every time she became sick. She loved him, and she knew it was hard on him, but she really needed him to be strong for her, not the other way around. He was always saving her, but she was beginning to wonder if she could be saved this time.

She knew she couldn't think like this, thinking that she was actually going to die, but she couldn't help but think about it. What would Ryan and Ben do without her? What about her mom, or Summer? And what about all the future kids her and Ryan had wanted, would they ever be born? She felt a silent tear slip down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. She felt herself getting weaker, and she knew she should sleep, but she turned back to Ryan, watching him sleep.

She smiled weakly, despite everything. He always looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. She saw that for a second, the corners of his mouth lifted just a bit. It was the first time he'd smiled since she started treatment, and she began to wonder if it would be his last……

He jumped up, waking himself up. He heard a noise coming from somewhere. He looked around and saw Marissa on the hospital bed, moaning and groaning from the pain. "Marissa." He said softly, getting up to get closer to her. "Marissa, are you okay?"

She opened her eyes slowly and looked at him, taking a few minutes to recognize him. "Ryan.." She said in barely a whisper. She turned her head to the tray by her bed and whispered, "Water…"

He quickly got her water and handed it to her. She took the straw into her mouth, and slowly sipped the water. He couldn't bear to see her this way. This wasn't the Marissa he married and fell in love with at the end of the driveway all those years ago. This was a different person. Suddenly, everything became too much for him.

"I'm gonna go…." He said, taking the water back from Marissa. She looked at him confused and he sighed. "I'm going to go get Ben, I'm sure he'd love to see you." He put his hand over hers and squeezed it reassuringly. "I know you'd love to see him." She nodded and he leaned in to kiss her forehead. She moved to let him kiss her lips, but he pulled back.

She looked hurt, and he couldn't bear to know that he'd caused it. She closed her eyes for a couple of seconds, and when she looked back at him, he saw that the hurt was gone, replaced by a hard look. "When will you be back?" She asked, looking away from him.

"An hour or so, it depends how long Ben takes." He saw that she still wasn't looking at him and sighed. He began walking towards the door, but turned around. "I love you…I don't think I've told you that lately."

He saw her finally look at him, hope in her eyes. Her eyes glistened from tears, and in a shaky voice she said, "I love you too…and it has been a while." She smiled weakly at him, and he forced a smile back. "Go get Ben…" She said, closing her eyes and slowly drifting off to sleep.

He walked away to his car. When he got there, he didn't start the engine for a while, just sat there, staring at the steering wheel. After a couple of minutes, he started pounding it angrily. "Why me?" He asked no one in particular, "What have I done to deserve this!" And for the first time since he heard the news that his wife was dying, he started to cry.

She opened her eyes to the sound of giggling. She looked around, trying to focus on something, but her vision was kind of blurry. She stared at a small figure standing next to her bed until it became clear that Ben was next to her. She smiled at him and he grinned widely at her. "Hey mommy, are you fweelen better yet?"

"A little." She lied. Truth was, she was feeling weaker and weaker everyday, and she didn't know how much longer she could go on like this. She turned to look at Ryan who was watching their exchange with tears in his eyes. He looked at her with hope, but she didn't say anything…he wouldn't like the truth.

"I made you this." Ben said, handing her a picture. His five year old drawing was hard to understand, but he pointed out everything. "That's you.." he said, pointing to an object in the middle of the page, "and that's daddy," he said, pointing to another object next to her, "and that's me." he said, pointing to a little figure at the bottom. "I drew you when you were better." he said, smiling at her, "we are in the park." he said.

She did her best not to cry in front of her son. She looked up at Ryan who was staring intently at her. She gave him a look that told him she needed some time alone with Ben, and he walked away. When she was sure he was gone, she turned to her son and patted the spot on the bed next to her. "Come here sweetie." She cooed to Ben. He quickly got up and when he was on the bed, he looked at her with his blue eyes just like Ryan's and gave her a sad look. "What's wrong?" She asked, afraid of the answer.

He asked in a small voice, "why can't you come home with me and daddy?" Her heart melted and she felt her throat become thick. "I asked daddy, but he just got a really sad look." She looked into her son's scared eyes and did her best not to cry.

"I told you that I'm really sick honey." She started. "And the doctors don't think that I'm well enough to go home yet, do you understand that?" When he nodded, she continued. "And while I'm gone, I want you to be a big boy take care of daddy for me okay." She swallowed hard and said, "Can you do that for me?"

Her son got a real serious face and said, "Sure mommy." He gave her a big hug and said, "I can be a big boy." He pulled away and put his hands on the side of her face and asked, "If I do, will you come home?" And she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces.

**2 Months Later….**

She felt another headache coming and groaned. Her chemo wasn't doing the job anymore, but the tumor had shrinked a lot. The doctors were getting worried, and Ryan seemed to be more off than usual lately. He wouldn't look at her directly, wouldn't say that things would be okay. He didn't even talk much to her, except about how she was feeling.

She was allowed to come back home, since there was nothing they could do for her at the hospital. Ryan hired her a stay at home nurse, and she really was happy about that. She thought in the privacy of their own home, Ryan would open up to her more. But he didn't, not even a little.

The last time he'd told her he loved her was a month and a half ago. And the last time he kissed her was even longer than that. She missed his smiles, and his touch. She knew she was dying, and he knew it too, but they were just more distant these past five months than ever before.

Summer and her mom walked into her room. She'd called them the other day and asked them to come. She needed to say her goodbyes to them, tell them how she felt. She turned to Summer who's cheeks were tearstained. "Coop…"

"Sum…thanks for coming." She managed to get out. Summer came over and practically suffocated her in her hug.

"I wouldn't miss it." Summer said softly.

She turned to her mom who was standing at the doorway, crying silently. "Mom…" She said, holding out her hand. That's all it took for Julie to come and hug her tightly just like Summer.

"Oh honey…what's happened?" Julie cried. "My baby…"

"Mom, I need to talk to you." She started. "I'm sorry for everything…" But she was interrupted by Julie.

"No, no, no, no!" She yelled. "NO goodbyes!"

"Mom, I'm sorry…I love you, I always have, despite everything I've said and done." She choked out. "You were the best…" Julie walked out of the room sobbing hysterically. She turned to Summer who was staring at her in horror. "Sum…"

"That's why you called, to say goodbye?" Summer asked, a sob escaping her.

"Sum, I…." but her voice betrayed her and she started crying.

"Coop…" Summer said, giving her best friend a hug. "But the doctors said that it shrunk, and that there was a chance right?"

"They said that there was a small chance that it wouldn't grow again. But the truth is that unless they erase it all completely, there's no way I can get better. It'll effect me someday, if it's not today or tomorrow, it'll be soon."

"You can't leave us Coop, you can't give up…." Summer said with a shaky voice.

"I can't go on like this anymore…" She said truthfully. "I just can't…."

"I love you Coop." Summer said.

"I love you too Sum."

"Who would've thought that when we were little, this was how it would end?" Summer said, letting out a small giggle. "You'd get married to Atwood, who loves you like crazy, have the cutest little boy, and have to leave it all because of Brain Cancer?"

"That was not how I though my life would turn out." She said, letting out a small sigh. "I always thought I'd get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. But now, I have a husband that's hardly ever home, a kid that cries every time he sees me, and I'm dying."

Summer just nodded, not able to speak. "I've gotta go Coop, but I'll be back in a few hours." Then Summer left.

She stared at the wall, willing herself not to think about dying, rather the life she had. She thought of meeting Ryan, and having Ben. She thought of all the happy times the three had together, and she sighed. Where was Ryan anyways? It was seven and he never stayed later than five thirty.

She heard the front door open and sat up in bed, using all her strength. "Marissa, I'm home." He called out to her. She heard his footsteps coming closer to their room, and she took in a deep breathe, knowing what was coming. He walked into the room, not even looking at her, rather the paper in his hand. "How are you feeling?" He asked, walking into their bathroom.

"I don't know…" She said, waiting for his reaction. He didn't seem to notice, and she wanted to scream at him. "Ryan, can you come here?"

He walked out of the bathroom and looked at her with a confused expression. "What's wrong?" He asked, walking to the side of their bed.

"Why don't you tell me?" She asked, annoyed.

"What do you mean?" He asked, getting frustrated.

"I mean, for the past five months, you barely look at me, or talk to me unless it's about my health." She felt the sobs start to build in her. "Ryan, I need you right now, and you're just leaving me….is there someone else?"

"What?!" He asked, raising his voice. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you don't tell me you love me, or kiss me, or even look at me twice anymore.."

"I can't stand to watch you hurting." He said, lowering his voice to barely a whisper.

"But I need you to help me through all of this, these last days." She said.

He got a scared look on his face, and she knew she had his attention. "What do you mean by that? You're going to get better, you have to Marissa, I can't live without you." He lay down next to her on the bed and put his hands on the side of her face.

"It's my time Ryan." She said in a shaky whisper. "I need you here with me though."

"No, you can't leave me." He said, his voice full of emotion, "I won't let you…"

"Ryan…" She said softly, "There's nothing you can do."

"But you can't.." He said, a sob escaping him, "I love you too much." He said, burying his head in her chest. She held him while he sobbed, and she sobbed also. They stayed like that for a long time, crying in each other's arms for what could've been, what should've been. "How long?"

"I don't know, but soon…" She said shakily.

"How do you know?" He asked, sniffing.

"I have this strange feeling."

"Are you scared?" He asked, looking deeply at her. "To die I mean."

"The hardest part is leaving you." She said truthfully. "And knowing that I'm not going to have you with me for a while." He just nodded, probably not knowing what to say. "Will you do me a favor?" She asked.

"Yeah, anything."

"Can you just hold me for a while?" She asked shyly. He quickly took her in his arms and she immediately felt safe. She rested her head against his chest and listened to his heart beat, felt the warmth of his body against hers. She asked, "Where's Ben?"

He ran his hand over her back soothingly and said, "He went home with Summer, she called earlier to tell me."

"I feel like a horrible mother, not even knowing where my son is…"

"The nurse was taking care of him, you know that, you're a great mother." He kissed her forehead and then said, "Besides, you can't be expected to watch him in your condition."

"I know, it's just that I used to be the one to take care of him all day, and I miss that."

"I know." he said softly. "Have you told him anything yet?"

"Yeah, we said our goodbyes in a way this morning." She let out a small sob.

"Shhh, go to bed." He whispered.

"But what if I don't wake up? I'm so scared to leave you guys." She said, silent tears making their way down her face.

"I'm here, I won't let anything happen to you, I promise." He said, trying to sound sure of himself.

"I love you Ryan, I always have."

"I love you too, I always will."

And she finally let her eyes close, and drifted off into a deep sleep. He didn't know when, but sometime in the night, her chest rose and fell, never to rise again. She went stiff in his arms, and slowly grew cold. When he awoke, he screamed for her to wake up, but she never did.

He told Ben that his mommy went to live in heaven, and was always watching them. Ben cried for three hours straight, and though he tried his best to be strong, he started crying with his son too. He remembered what his father once said, Atwoods don't cry, but apparently, they did.

He planned her funeral with Summer, just picking out small details and letting her and Julie do the rest. It was a beautiful funeral, one of those bitter sweet moments that you hate and love at the same time. He gave a speech about her, and everyone cried at his words of love for his wife.

And every day that passed by, every minute and second, he missed her more. Missed her smile and her touch, her laugh and her cry. But he stayed strong, and went on with just memories of the two of them.

Sometimes the pain was more than he could bear, and he would send Ben to Summer's house and just stay at home and grieve over his wife. He'd look through pictures of their wedding, and when Ben was just born. He'd talk silently to the pictures, almost as if she was there with him, even though he knew she wasn't.

And when a year had passed since she left him, he went to her grave and talked to it for an hour, him and Ben. Ben told it about how he missed her, and how he was doing in first grade at school. And when Ben was done, he walked to the car and got in, waiting for his father.

He looked at her grave, and silently cried. He ran his hand over the stone, and remembered that final night they had together, when he was holding her in his arms. And he sat down, and stared up at the sky. He didn't say anything, because he knew that even though she wasn't here, she still knew what he was thinking, just like she always did.

And her words ran in his mind, and he wondered how she was doing in her new home, if she missed him at all, if she ever watched him. And then suddenly the answer came to him, her words that she'd told him from her heart. She did miss him, did love him, because the hardest part was leaving him.

And that was enough to get him back on his feet, and walk back to his son and their new life without her. And when he looked up at the sky on his way home, he smiled for the first time in the past year. Because that's the way she would've wanted it, and he knew that his smile would help her even now in heaven.


End file.
